second thoughts

I'm having second thoughts about what to do for my birthday. Having an 80s themed party seems like it will be too complicated and I don't have a lot of resources to make it the way i want it to be. I guess I'm just really afraid that it will go horribly wrong because i tend to imagine that an event will go a certain way, but they end up being a big disappointment. I don't want my birthday to be as horrible as last year. If i have a 'party' I don't want to have the pressure of all the attention being on me... wait, i do like attention a lot.. I don't know what my problem is. As long as Shawn is there, that will make the day better already. Why is it that he's the only one i can stand? the one who brightens my day, the one that i never get tired of. Our problems seem so far away now. All i can focus on is how he makes me feel complete as a person. I am completely in love with him. I think about him all the time, everywhere. And I miss him *SO* much. If it where up to me,  I'd never leave his side. (at first anyways) unfortunately he isn't ready (obviously) for any sort of long term relationship, so i guess we are taking it casual.. day by day.

I can't take the solitude thing here anymore. I need to go out. maybe I'll go to the mall ALONE on Monday or something. ugh.. my mom wants us to finish painting the room upstairs by Sunday. It's unreasonable! gah.. that reminds me.. i have to remind her not to make any baby or marriage comments when Shawn is over. it makes us feel awkward because we both know that that won't happen for a very long time!