comfort food

I guess today is the first official time where i needed comfort food... eating my pain away.. am i the idiot or is he? he makes me feel as if i were the idiot. as if my questioning him on why he hasn't called was stupid. "where the fuck do you get off calling me, all upset?" he said. He doesn't love me, and right now, in this point in my life i need someone to truly love me. Although I shouldn't depend all my happiness on another because they just end up disappointing you. he even said to me once that he didn't miss me when we were apart for long periods of time. I doubt he even thinks of me when he's away. why is it that i had a feeling that this sort of thing was going to happen? After he basically said that he had been too busy to call me, i said never mind and hung up. he's probably angry at me now. It fucking pissed me off when he went into detail about everything he did and why he couldn't call me. He didn't even say goodbye Thursday when he left to go drinking. Julie says i could do better. right now i hate him, but i love him so bad too. I know this can't go on any longer.. even though it hurts like hell, i can't keep getting hurt like this. I feel like our relationship is more of a best friend's than boyfriend/girlfriend.  ugh.. he always makes me feel as if I'm not good enough because I'm a girl. I know when he says 'your people' or whatever, that he's kidding, but it still bothers me because he repeats it over and over. After i hung up, i tried to keep from crying, but couldn't so i went to the bathroom and cried in the dark. i tried not to make much noise because i didn't want my roommates to hear. my post is probably all messed up and probably doesn't make sense... I'm not going to read over it.. I hate men. all my life they have been horrible to me... my father, my brother, boys at school.. now Shawn.. they have all hurt me in one way or another. I want to be at home right now, in the comfort of my bed, I don't want to go to school Monday or do my project and journal for Monday. i want to lie down a die! I will be alone for ever! I let my heart open the slightest for someone, and they just throw it out like if it was an old pair of underwear. I want to become what i wanted a few year back, a rich powerful woman who never spoke, instead I'd have an interpreter who spoke for me. he'd be awesome looking... he'd be my puppet. I'd have servants, but no one to love me. I'd be a very lonely woman. indeed. ugh.. i keep crying.. this fucking sucks. is it my fault? am i way too clingy?