This World is Always Gonna Break your Heart

Update: Since last post, Shawn and I have gotten back together and we have finally moved in together 2 months ago. Things are going great with us and I've never been more in love. Boy #2 mentioned in the post below.. well, we haven't been talking a whole lot since shawn and I got back together. It's too awkward. I feel like by choosing shawn, I "dumbed" him, even though we weren't officially together. it just goes to show that when you aren't available, guys lose interest in you, even if it's just as a friend.

I am so tired, and it's only 8:30! I didn't take a nap yet today. Although, I shouldn't have to take a nap. I should stop going to bed at 2, 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. I just seem to keep talking to boys at those hours.

Boy #1

The ex. YES. Shawn and I broke up a few weeks ago, although we still talk. Tuesday he came online and we talked for a few hours. Time really escaped from us, as it was 4am by the time i got to bed. Our relationship lasted two years, we can't just not talk anymore. Although, it's harder to get over one another that way. I think the other night, I said that maybe one day we might get back together, but he'd have to change a lot. IDK anymore... I'm going to see him tomorrow. I'll see how it goes, and I hopefully won't do anything too stupid to end up hurting myself more.

 

Boy #2 

The friend, and possible love interest. Long lost love of mine. I think i mention him in one of my first blogs, I don't know if they're still there though. I should check later. Anyways, this guy is awesome! I think that he understands me better. It's too bad he lives so far away, I'd really would love to hang out with him, and to possibly have more.

 

Anyways, 

I think I'll just wait until I find a guy here that I like. Long distant relationships are too shitty. And it was too shitty being with Shawn for a long time. As guy #2 said to me, it's better to find yourself when you're alone. 

holy crap! It has been more than a year since I last wrote in this?! Maybe it's time for me to start writing in this again. I don't really know why. it'll give me something to do while procrastinating from doing homework, haha. tired now, must go to bed!! school in the morning.

haven't been doing much lately. i have adopted doing the dishes everyday. isn't very exciting. i almost hate it. I hate the fact that the guys never bring back their dirty dishes. so.. it just piles up in their rooms and the day they decide to bring it back upstairs, there's a huge pile! and who has to wash it all?? me! The guys are really getting on my nerves. once, there was mold in one of the cups. it was really nasty. smelled gross too.

On the day that I'm moving Shawn is having practice all day, which kind of sucks.. since i wanted him to help my mom and i move in :P but I might bring my mom to see some of his scrimmage. maybe. ha ha, I am sooo excited to talk with Julie and hang out with her again, she is like my sister. I can't wait to make my jell-o deserts again. hang out in my room with Shawn. I want to hang out more at his place this year. i felt like i didn't get out enough last year. i hope his roommates aren't too 'out there'. That reminds me, i have to call my new roommates. i hope they are never there. :) i hope (a little) that my roommate drops out. then i will have the whole room free... two closets, 8 shelves.. wow.

I mainly want to see Shawn though.. I wish he was a little bit more like the cuddle type of guy. But a little distance isn't bad. what he said the other day was so sweet; he asked me what he could do to improve. he misses me.. sometimes i feel it when he speaks to me.. i think deep down (even though he may be denying it) he loves me. OR maybe I'm delusional. however, i don't think i am. I think he just doesn't say so because he's afraid of the commitment that is attached with that word. I think i am ready for 'the next step'. In my own little fantasy, i can imagine him and i in our own appartment. Then i get back to reality and realise that it would take a while before that could happen. If i get a job next summer, i'd need to work at least a few weeks before being able to afford a place. Then there's furniture and appliances.. food too. maybe in a few years when i get on my feet and out of college. and if we're still together (hopefully). he'll maybe be still in university by then, i don't really know. I should stop getting all my hopes up for the future.. it might not be as good as i imagine. plus a lot of stuff will happen.

i decided to move back to rez on the 19th of August. I want to see Shawn as soon as possible. The actual 'official' move-in day is on the 25th. Shawn's going to move the 11th, because of his football practice. I want to have some time alone with him before everyone moves in. last year we hardly had any intimate time to ourselves because our roommates where always around. I am still curious as to who are Shawn's roommates. i wonder if they are from where i am. that'd be weird.

Next week I'm going to go shopping with my mom for some stuff i need for school. well, stuff i want for my dorm room. :P

I also made a thingy on Illustrator last night, it's really basic but i find it awesome

have a nifty day

Shawn left to go home today, I can't help but be sad. I feel like I lost part of myself. but i musn't feel down because i know i will see him again in ~20-something days. plus, i don't want to make him feel bad by knowing that i feel low. Right now i'm really anxious to go back to school again. I'll be really busy and all, but that's ok because i know i'll have shawn near by to cheer me up when i am low, but also my roommate Julie to talk to about sex and related subjects. I feel tired..

I've discovered "new" bands! i love 'em. three: Panic! at the disco, Dresden Dolls, Schoolyard Heroes. I'm starting to like female vocalists, dunno why. I used to be turned off by a band who had a female vocalist. It's just the voices of the women from Schoolyard heroes and Dresden Dolls are so different.

I like the vocals from the Dresden Dolls because it's deep and, i guess i could relate to some of the topics that they sing about? or it's that their sound has captured me; they only have a piano (loves) and drums. I'd recommend Dirty business or Girl anachronism.

I like the lead vocal from Schoolyard heroes because it's high pitch yet, evil. Plus the mixing with the back up singer (male) screaming, beutiful! example--The Mechanical Man Vs. the Robot From the Outer Limits.
Schoolyar Heroes-they live


Anyways, apart from music, I was really hyper today. shawn said he'd come tomorrow! Hopefully all will go well! *crosses fingers*

then my aunt calls and said she is comming down to visit on saturday.

I'm a little nervous to see him again. don't know why. just am. he he. *can't wait*

I'm currently looking up Morrissey. he's really great, I can relate to him. He seems to be a very lonely man, i think he may be A-sexual. not that i want to gossip or anything, i just find it fascinating that such an idol doesn't have intercourse. My favorite song is You Have Killed Me, it reminds me of stuff Shawn told me about his past. here's a clip called Tomorrow:

I just found this, it has my favoritest quote in it!

I talked to kim today and she said that she and jess don't really want to go to montreal either!! that means that my birthday 'get together' will be back on! Things are looking up.

I think i hurt thomas' feelings. told him that if his girlfriend has doubts then he has a slim chance, i'm so not optimistic. i try to help, but it seems to fail. I invited him for my birthday thing.

Shawn called today and it really made my day to know that he was naked. He also cheered me up about my 'birthday situation'. I'm just glad that he'll be there. He was more sweet than usual today, I'm glad that I'm with him.

I can't wait to start school again. I remember saying that a few years ago then regretting it after. I mean it this time, i can't wait to see my roommate again and see Shawn on a regular basis. also, i will have things to do. I can't take this simple life anymore. 

my horoscope for the day.

You dream of being totally at ease with others socially, so it could bother you when you need to withhold some of your deepest desires. At least you realize that others may not understand what you really want. Self-restraint can make you appear more aloof and timid, but sacrificing immediate gratification can help you reach your destination.

I think some of it is actually acurate. which parts? you shall never know!! mwa ha ha ha!